Dear People Who Are Not Type 1 Diabetics and Who Don't Have Chronic Pain and Who Don't Have Depression:
It is in my opinion, that people who have at least ONE of these conditions, needs an outlet for frustration.
Especially for Type 1 Diabetes.
Type 1 diabetes is 24/7. It's every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year. You can't just have a day where you can wake up and ignore it -- without it biting you in the ass in some way.
When you know what it was like before you were diagnosed (like I do), and the degree in which I was diagnosed -- 1,378 blood sugar, coma, age 10, 2 weeks with at least 1 week in intensive care-- you develop a lot of unresolved anger.
Unresolved anger from not feeling in control, from nurses who test your blood a billion times and you don't understand why, to shots, to waking up with a huge IV in your arm. It's isolation at its finest.
Depression, goes hand in hand with Type 1 diabetes. This was never addressed until late into my college years at a 4 year university. There were times in high school when I would lie in the dark, on the floor, for hours, extremely depressed.
The only outlet I had-- and thank God I had, was a man who had his own struggles-- but was a good listener. I needed someone who could just listen.
Did doctors offer this? Did nurses offer this? Did diabetes educators offer this? Did nutritionist offer this? Fuck no.
I spent at least 14 years-- with the exception of the first 3, completely feeling isolated, angry, depressed about my disease.... and calling it a disease makes me feel alien.
18 years later, I am welcomed with chronic pain from a nasty accident in which both of my ankles got broke at the same time, 3 fractures in the left, 1 fracture in the right. 3 surgeries in my left ankle... and having a surgeon recently tell me that I have Posterior Tibial Tendon Deficiency-- which is basically a damaged tendon and I am not to work for 3 months and I have to do physical therapy for it.
And this chronic pain is like my diabetes, in that when I tell people about my pain (especially medical professionals) I always get the "We can't do anything for your pain, you have to deal with it." In my opinion, that's like telling a cancer patient to just "deal with it" when they learn they have breast cancer.
So if I seem unusually angry sometimes and really fed up, it's not just because the weather sucks outside.
I wish I could take you into my world for a moment.
I wish I could show you how hard it is sometimes to control my blood sugar under stress.
I wish I could share with you how hard it is to sometimes hide my ankle pain.
I wish I could share how hard it is to sometimes just want to say "fuck it all" and end it right here, right now. The thought has entered my mind numerous times throughout my life-- especially in my early diagnosis.
No, we don't just have a disease. We have an insidious disease-- you don't take care of it, that's fine--- but it will fuck you over later, with eye problems, heart problems, foot problems, and amputations.
No get out of jail free card here.
I wish I could always be the goodie-tooshu diabetic, that can always control my blood sugars, and always have a positive attitude. Sorry, but not even Lexapro and Buproprion can always keep me up.
Recently, I have found an outlet for my anger through Eminem. There is something therapeutic for me, playing it in my car and just letting myself feel some of the emotions I've had towards my illness and chronic pain issues. If we can't face our emotions, we can't heal from them.
A song I find especially uplifting is actually this one:
Instead of drug addiction and recovery, it's about diabetes and physical therapy for me. There are days when I just want to "relapse." I just don't want to care any more. Eminem says we need to walk this road together, and we need to make those mother fuckers dance. And it's not just one day, it's every day.
I have to play this song every day. It might seem obsessive, but everyone has their pick up song and this is mine. I need an outlet for my feelings towards my disease, my depression, and my chronic pain. If I don't use this outlet, then I will fall off that edge that Eminem is on. And I won't be able to fly up.
-Recovering Beta Cell Bandit
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